Of furry, thumbless, four-legged children
Our friends Laura and Steve recently had a lovely baby boy, and in the course of discussing parenthood with Laura, we realized that there are many facets of Caring for an Infant that are comparable to Life with Dogs. Namely things like cleaning up copious vomit, finding feces in places one wouldn't normally expect, and drool.
Laura is a caring, marvelous friend, one who does not point out to me that caring for a newborn human is obviously more difficult and time-consuming than dealing with three dogs, and she has a rather saintly quality that prohibits her from blatantly pointing out my alarming propensity to talk out of my ass. Consequently, as a sort of penance, I begin making the following list:
Things Marc and I have said to or about our dogs than no one should ever say to or about their human children:
"Dammit! Quit licking your nuts!"
"Did you just go downstairs to eat cat shit?"
"Get away from me, you have fleas!"
"No! We do NOT piss on the recliner!"
"If he doesn't stop chewing on his ass, I'm gonna have to bathe him."
"No, you may not eat the bird."
"I think we need a new collar. This one's getting too tight."
"We really need to cut his balls off."
"STOP licking her ass!"
"If he gets out of that harness, I'm afraid he'll run around inseminating the whole goddamned neighborhood."
"Maybe life would be easier if we just shaved them all bald."
"We're only gonna be gone like nine hours. They'll be fine."
posted by Kate at 11:57 PM link/comments
